Since my enlightenment, I can’t seem to stop writing like this. I suppose that’s fine. Perhaps, it is useful to someone. I have no idea really and I no longer care if it is. If my spiritual writings disappear into the darkness of the net and are never seen by anyone that is fine. My Buddha twitter handle has no followers. It follows no one. These writings are created because I have to. This is what I am wired to do and so I do it. These words come through me, but they are not of me. They do not have a purpose or a goal. They are not here to make money or perpetuate my legacy or help me in any way. Perhaps that is not totally true. They do help me in that they help me release these ideas from my mind. They are like a burden relieved.
I wanted enlightenment at a young age. I promised myself that I would always see what is true no matter what the cost. I generally failed at this over and over and then failed some more. I was prone to the most ridiculous delusions as is everyone. Maya is a powerful illusion weaver and she is stunning and frightening at once. She has many tricks to make you think you’ve opened the last door and then another one appears.
Somewhere around seven years old I began a search for truth. What is true? I quickly realized that what was around me was not. I sat in church with my parents and the whole thing felt like a puppet show. I sensed that the divine was near, but that this was only a shadow of it and a pale one at that. I would go to church sometimes when nobody was there and sit and talk with God. That was closer to the divine. In the silence of the church I could feel the true power of God speaking to me. I realized early that I did not need an interpreter to talk with the Big Guy. I could just open up about whatever. I could be mad at God or happy with him. He’d heard it all before. That was also the time that I started to realize that duality did not exist although I could not articulate it. I also realized that God is no man. And sorry ladies, he is not a woman either. I prefer to call God “It” because “It” is all things and nothing at the same time. To make “It” a man or woman is hopelessly reductionist and quiet frankly childish. To say that we know almost anything about the true nature of God is largely ridiculous. We are but tiny grains of sand in a massive desert. How can the grain of sand truly understand the desert from its limited perspective?
At times in my life I would wake up out of our collective dream state for a moment and see reality as it is for the briefest flicker of time. Then I would fall right back to sleep. This was a disconcerting feeling to say the least and left me isolated from my peers. It often left me bullied for reasons I could not understand. The reasons other children hated me seemed totally illogical and that’s because they were. I could not understand why everyone could not see the pain they caused other people. I did not understand that the pain inside me was inside everyone. Everyone is driven by it, propelled by it. Each deals with it in their own way. Some people simply lash out at others hoping that seeing another person suffer will minimize their own pain. Of course it doesn’t and so they do it more. This creates a cycle that is never-ending as people struggle with the various stages of their own personal evolution. It’s also called childhood.
This early suffering caused me to develop skills; in particular I quickly learned the art of communication. I learned to see what people liked and disliked. I was able to see patterns that other people could not see. I can see why people want what they want and this is a powerful tool. I often used it to get what I wanted or to deflect attacks when I was young. I learned to manifest the reality that I wanted. Sometimes this required direct action such as me pushing a fat bully from behind in the school playground as he was running, causing him to stumble and crash to the ground, sliding across the gravel. This single action focused the derision of the other bullies on him. After that single move, they thought I was cool and even prevented the fat bully from retaliating; convincing him that it was funny. At other times I used the power of the whisper. A girl used to torment me. She called me, “chicken legs” and other things that stung because they were so illogical. My legs aren’t even that skinny. It was just something to pick on and her limited mind chose it. One day her family had to move. For a year I worked to change perceptions about me, make people my friends, get invited to parties that I never even wanted to go to in the first place. One day she returned to visit and I had completely turned the class against her. One of the kids put a sign on her back “bitch” and she sat in the center of the circle telling jokes as people laughed louder and louder. Then she found the sign and realized they were laughing at her. That’s when her eyes met mine and they were like a slaughtered lamb. I had simply returned to her what was unwanted by me. As a child I was lost in the delusion of my own dream state. I believed the drama was real and reacted to it. It is simply part of the process of waking up.
To say that I saw all of these outcomes ahead of time would be a lie. I simply saw what needed to be done, the math of the infinite variables happening in my unconscious. I saw only the next action. And the next action inevitably leads to all the other outcomes.
These days I don’t use my powers of perception and communication for such lowly goals. I am not interested in using it to hurt. There are times in life when violence may be necessary, but in general I avoid those times. I am like Yoda. I hide in the forest. Yoda was the greatest master not because he fought constantly but because he was so smart he didn’t even need to fight. After the battles of his youth he disappeared into the forest. When Luke Skywalker comes to see him he acts crazy. The young man dismisses him as a crazy old man. That is his fatal flaw. Yoda now completely controls the situation. At that point, if Yoda wished violence he could just clock Luke over the head and there would be no fight. Luke would just be dead. The crazy old man is an illusion that fools simpler minds. People see what they want to see.
After that I was free to go about my business. I had manifested a new reality; one where people left me alone and I could go about studying the universe privately and in peace. None of these states were forever, but I continually constructed my life to maximize my quiet and alone time.
You can pick an aspect of enlightenment to focus on once you have it. Some become teachers. Others wander the earth. Some go right back to what they were doing because they know that nothing else that they ever get or become will change even the smallest fragment of who they are or are not. I write. And I like the psychological aspects of enlightenment. I focus on the aspects of enlightenment that control unnecessary suffering. Make no mistake, there is real and terrifying suffering in the world but much of the suffering we face on a day-to-day basis is totally unnecessary. It is a burden that should be put down as quickly as possible and never picked up again. There is only one answer to the absolute absurdity of existence: do the work you’re supposed to do.
What is enlightenment like you wonder? Nobody can really tell you. You have to experience it for yourself. What I can tell you is what it is definitely not. It is not a state of constant eternal bliss and complete lacking of problems. That is for sure. I can also tell you a bit of how it manifests. It brings a kind of detached bemusement for much of your day. I can see the human drama play around me and I love it with all my heart and yet I cannot participate in it in the same way. When you see the machinery working underneath the matrix can you ever take the matrix seriously again?
I have a lot to say about other things that you would probably find fascinating but they won’t come out. Now I can tell you everything you ever wanted to know about writing or the sources of poetry and beauty and yet it is as if this knowledge is in another language, one that I sort of used to speak and kind of still understand and yet it feels alien to me, unnecessary. Life needs no explanation. It simply is. It exists forever and ever. It does not die. It does not live. It cannot be destroyed, not by the most ruthless dictator or the most ignorant racist. The people that prey on the weak and defenseless cannot destroy it. It is un-killable, even though it is relentlessly killed. Look upon my face and see the trillions of forms reflected back at you in infinite regression.
God makes the same things over and over and over. Its patterns are eternal and unbreakable. It makes things endlessly that are exactly the same and yet totally different. I can see the deep patterns in everything around me, spooling out like a never ending fractal. When someone is speaking to me I can see all the outcomes of the conversation. In their talk I see all of their hidden fears and desires, even the ones they are not aware of and yet people’s secrets are absolutely safe with me because I have no desire to use them. I am now constantly aware of the presence of death. It is like my silent companion. That’s part of the disease/affliction/hilarious after-effects of enlightenment. I can clarify a few things for you now. There is no “permanent” enlightenment. Enlightenment is the ongoing experience of life. I can tell you that if you are looking for it, you should stop. You will probably not want it when you get it. It is a ride that you will never be able to get off. Once you are enlightened you will never be able to be unenlightened. You carry it with you.
If I told you that nothing you ever believed or thought about was true what would that do to your mind? I can tell you what it did to mine. It destroyed it for a period of time. I was quite certainly insane for a time during the process. People want to escape this. It is not in the enlightenment literature. It’s bad press and for good reason. I saw the face of God and God is fucking terrifying. We are all just pimples on God’s ass. We’re tiny as hell and when you see just how tiny it scares the shit out of you. Only then are you free. After you come back, if you come back, you are free. You have died before you died. You have lost everything you ever cared about it and see that you will lose everything you ever care about. Still sound fun? It’s not. And yet, I had to do it. I was wired to go after this thing, just as a bird is wired to fly. Now that I got it, it’s pretty cool. And it sucks too. Pretty much like everything.
There is a reason that Eckhart Tolle went and sat on park benches for a period of time, lost in a state of bliss, before assuming a new external reality as a spiritual teacher. In other words, he was homeless. He lost everything: his relationship; family; friends; house; job; money; all his possessions. This is not something most people would want. I was terrified that I would face the same thing. As it happens I did not, I faced something in many ways worse. Each person’s hell is his or her own. I lost my mind for a time, the thing I considered most precious. I found it again swiftly by realizing insanity was simply another illusion to be set aside. I also realized that I did not need to go kick it with my bliss on a bench, at least not now. Right now I have other shit to do. I kept my life and in my life I found meaning again. I chose to participate in life again. I can see the energy of my cat that passed away in my new cat and I can see God laughing in her every movement. I can see how God recreates everything, how everything is born again. Nature is a Phoenix.
Do not seek enlightenment. Instead look to go more fully into your dream. By doing this you will wake up to what is false and the false will fall away. When the false falls away, violence ceases, struggle ceases, suffering ceases.
Be who you are supposed to be. Be that thing completely. Commit to it. Open yourself up and be exactly what you are intended to be. Do not wear another person’s life or wish you were someone else. Live your own life. Find out what is true for you and embrace it. There is nothing wrong with you that you need to fix except everything that is not you. Simply let what is not you fall away without fear. It is not needed. Perhaps you are a Christian; then be one. Maybe you are an atheist? So be it. Embrace that. Understand that. Buddha, Hindu, new-age dream-catcher or hedonist, they are all another face of the divine. No one has a final say on what the divine is. How can they, as it is still developing as we speak? The infinite play is still happening. Go out there and enjoy it.